I feel ready to share this...

I know this will be a hard post to write and a hard post to read, but I think it's all part of the healing process that happens when we go through something tough.  I often wonder if I really "deal" with things. I remember the whole time we were packing, selling things and saying our goodbyes before this big journey, I felt like my heart wasn't feeling anything. It was like the world was spinning around me and I couldn't let myself feel any emotion.

Well, I feel like that now. As I sit here and type, I can calmly and with little emotion say that in December I experienced the pain that a lot of woman experience. Don't get me wrong, I definitely shed my fair share of tears and screamed out in agony during the whole ordeal, but now; right now I can say these things and my heart feels guarded. Is that a sign that I'm okay? Is that a sign that I don't "deal"? I really can't say.

For now, I want to share our story and in doing so hope to continue to grow, heal and help others.

A couple weeks, maybe even a week after Jaxson's 3rd birthday we found out I was pregnant! We couldn't have been more excited. I was told a long time ago that I would have trouble getting pregnant. I was told that I had PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and that I would probably need fertility treatments when the time came. We felt so blessed and lucky when we found out I was pregnant with Jaxson. It's always in the back of my mind that things will not be "easy" when it comes to me and pregnancy. So you can imagine that I was ecstatic in November that we were lucky enough to be having another baby. We celebrated Thanksgiving with so many good friends and thanked the Lord for the blessing of another baby.

A couple weeks passed, I felt odd. I began spotting. I tried not to panic. I tried not to worry and I did a lot of self talk. We visited a doctor at the big fancy medical center here. The doctor was very matter of fact and spouted off all the statistics on miscarriages, but never directly told me that was happening.  I knew something was wrong when I went and was only measuring 5 weeks. I should have been closer to 8 weeks, but again I tried to tell myself I miscalculated and my timing was off.

The same day, I had a wonderful night with some amazing woman that I've come to love here to celebrate my 31st birthday. The next day I began miscarrying. It was a public holiday so luckily I wasn't at work. It was physically, emotionally and spiritually draining. In the midst of it all, I came to realize even more that I have the most incredibly strong husband. He stayed with me, held me, and wiped my tears. All I could do was scream why, why, why?!

Reality hit and the pity party had to stop. Fact: This is something a lot of woman go through. A lot. More than I have every imagined and it is something that isn't really talked about. I felt so much love and support by the woman here. Most of which shared, they have gone through it as well. It is sad and it is heartbreaking, but it is something that is statistically quite normal. It's still hard to say that and I still think well maybe if I would have.... fill in the blank with a million thoughts that still run through my head at times. However, at the end of the day I know that God's timing is perfect. I feel comfort knowing that. I feel closer to Keith than I ever have. I feel like I have friends who have become family here. I now have a doctor at the not so fancy, more local medical facility that I adore. We will not be kept from our families trying to deliver a new baby in June, but instead will be able to travel home this summer to spend quality time with the people we love most.

Thank you for letting me share. Thank you for your constant prayers of love and support. Maybe that's why I feel my heart is guarded here, why I feel like I have emotional strength. I think I'm strengthened in the love and support that is constantly wrapped around me, both near and from afar. I can also only think that through all things God strengthens us, even in times of trouble and pain He is there making things beautiful. Beautiful Things by Gungor

The days when Jaxson asks about the "baby in my belly" I am able to smile with a divine peace and think to myself and say, "one day."